crossroads

I feel as if I’m at a crossroads…a transitional period…

Over the last year, I’ve finally reached the final stage of disallusionment of the tech industry. ‘Tech’ as a whole has never read as fully Good - it’s still capitalism, after all. But it did feel like something different…a place where folks without a formal education such as myself could make a good life for themselves, among people who at least cared about each other and what they built. For a time, that was true. I think the whole of people in tech fight for that to be true, but as always, the hand of capitalistic greed slaps us down. I always thought, at least it was better than being a server/cashier my whole life - which is what I thought my life would be for a very long time.

There has been a lot of thrash at work for me (understatement), and my future seems so hazy at the moment. Not just mine, but my team’s as well. I’ve been beaten down. I’m depressed. I’m tired. I’m trying to find ways to cope with that, but it’s hard. I’ve been asking myself things such as, “if I wasn’t in tech, what would I do otherwise that would still allow me to financially support myself?” and I just draw up a blank.

I love building and making. It’s why I’m here, on the net. It’s probably why you’re here too. But the prospect of monetizing anything I love, working for myself, starting a business, etc just sounds horrible to me. Making craft club has shown me that. I hate being the boss. I hate the pressure. I hate taking risks. But it seems like some mysterious force is pulling on that thread - the worst part is, I want to tug in response.

I’m afraid of failure, since I have no safety net or family to fall back on. I’m also afraid of betrayal and greed. But I’ve also seen the potential beauty I can create. It’s a curious thing that I can mostly see risk, but the small reward of beauty leads me to push on.

I’m just so worried about money! Blah, so is everyone. It’s horrible. I wish all of our needs could just be met without the planet dying.