failure

I bombed an interview for a job I wanted very, very badly in the fourth out of fifth round. It was a live coding interview. I’m terrible at those. In fact, there’s one in particular that had been traumatic for me in the past that I keep reliving. I don’t think I’ve passed a live coding interview ever, with the exception of my first as a junior.

Naturally, I am crushed. I wish I could say that it was a fluke, the process was unfair, or something else external. The fact of the matter is, when it came down to it, I just didn’t have the knowledge. The interviewers were lovely and very kind. I just… couldn’t do it. Again.

It just feels so much heavier now because I realized this was the most excited I’ve felt about something in a long time, and people believed I could do it, and I let them down. Fuck. I thought I could do it. Now I’m just embarrassed. Coding is part of my identity, and I failed at that identity test. This experience has mirrored a lot of similar ones in my life lately.

I want to be a part of something, to feel like I affect the world, to feel like I have control over my own life. I feel so out of control. I feel trapped in my current job with the reputation of the team dipshit. I feel like the only group I ever wanted to be apart of, that I made with my own two hands, doesn’t need or want me anymore.

I think more than anything, I want people to want me to be a part of something, and I don’t let them down.

It just feels like I must be exceptional or else I am nothing. Actually, it’s even worse – I need to be consistently good at something or else I am nothing. What if I can’t be consistently good? Well, folks ignore me and pass me up. I know the answer.